“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.”  Unknown

When I quit my job I was not entirely sure I was making the right decision.  I was worried about finances and logistics of leaving my entire support system in Alpharetta: therapist, doctors, mentor etc.  I’m a realist and logical and that means I tend to ignore hopes and dreams by believing that I don’t have any.  I do things because they need to be done, not necessarily because I want to do them. I think that quitting my job was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I feel like I have found my niche- a place where I belong.  It also helps that Patrick and Susan don’t mind my nose piercing, tattoos, and I don’t need to worry if I look “straight” enough.

I don’t recognize this person I am turning into.  I always just thought that I am the type of person who see’s my cup as half empty and I expect the worst of almost every situation so I won’t be disappointed. That’s just who I was.  That is changing.  I’ve been getting up on my own before 9am on the weekends (which is unheard of for me), excited to get to work, cleaning the house after work, cooking again, and just generally in a great mood. I’ve been sleeping through the night without nightmares and active sleeping (rooming patients in my sleep or pulling down the curtain by our bed).  I don’t think I realized how miserable I was until now. I did not realize how much pressure I had put on myself and how that was showing up through symptoms in my body.  On some level I knew that my depression and anxiety were exasperated by the pressure cooker I found myself in, but it was my blood pressure and gastritis that made me start paying attention.  And the sheer amount of medication that I take everyday.  Two different meds for my stomach (one I was taking four times a day), one for depression, one for my bp, and that lovely little pill to help me sleep.   Maybe I had to be miserable in order to be able to see the light.

Turns out I am not gluten intolerant, just stress intolerant.  Acidic foods are also going down just fine these days! Yay for tomatoes and chocolate.

Today has been my favorite day at work.   Patrick and I have been cracking jokes at each other since he woke up this morning, the dogs have been sunbathing on the back deck, we hung out with Abby and Clare at their house and the park this morning and the weather is amazing.   Patrick was even dancing with me at the park.   Days like to today remind me that life has its bright spots and it’s important to recognize the good days even more than the bad.

I know that LBD is slowly taking Patrick away from his family in a lengthy and painful way, but this experience is also teaching me so much and I am forever grateful for this time with Patrick and the Dougherty family.  My father’s illness was in many ways different from Patrick’s (different diagnoses), but there are many instances where it’s like I’m reading a familiar book.   I know what it’s like to watch your father’s health slowly decline over years and to not know what lies ahead or what to expect next.   Spending time with Patrick almost feels like an absolution, my relationship with my father was complicated and difficult.  I feel like I am getting a second chance to have a male family figure in my life.

I’m beginning to realize that I can start to be involved in the trajectory of my life, that new experiences in my life can help to heal old wounds.

Found on earmarksocial.com