“A riot is the language of the unheard”

Martin Luther King Jr.

Picture from popularresistance.org

I started this blog post last week and left it unfinished because I hit a wall.   After the news that there will be no charges in Michael Brown’s death, I have a lot more to say.

I am writing right now in an effort to get my thoughts out of my head by putting them on the screen in front of me.  I’ve had this heavy feeling since Friday when I learned that a good friend’s 26-year-old son had been killed on Tuesday.  His death was the result of a standoff with cops and he was shot five times in the chest.  This death weighs on my mind because his father was in the process of trying to get him some mental health help.   David, the son, was living in Alabama and in that state you can’t have someone committed against their will, so his father was trying to bring him back to Georgia because one can be hospitalized against their will for 72 hours.   They were trying to get him help, but his mental illness ultimately resulted in his death.

I am very aware that this could have been me.  It could have been a member of my family. Mental illness does not discriminate.  It affects the rich, poor, middle class, educated, un-educated, every race, celebrities etc. I’m trying to point out that it’s not always someone else, this affects all of us.  This is the reason why I started my blog- to bring about awareness and to help eliminate the stigma.  Things could have turned out differently for David had there been resources and the necessary avenues to get him help.   David’s death could have been prevented.   The entire system is fucked up.  Our police are trained to put a person down like a dog in the instance of any threat instead of coming up with a more humane way of handling a potentially deadly scenario. I get that they have to protect themselves, but shooting someone five times in the chest seems excessive. The system is broken and needs to be fixed.

Michael Brown’s death could have also been prevented.  It’s crazy to me that in this day and age that we have not come up with a better way and that it seems like there is a news story everyday where an African-American teenage boy is killed in cold blood.  I can’t help but ponder how last nights events would have been different if the cop that killed Michael was African-American and if he was caucasian.   I think there would have been an indictment and more outrage over Michael’s death.

Some friends of mine on Facebook have commented that it’s ridiculous that the citizens of Ferguson are destroying store fronts and resorting to violence in the wake of last nights news.   I see this as their way of coping.   They don’t feel heard.  In reality most of us know that looting and getting into fights are not the answer to the injustice of Michael Brown’s death, but in our emotion mind we forget this.   I believe that Ferguson feels like the only way to get attention brought to this situation is to do it in a big way.  What bigger way than to set the city ablaze? After all the justice system has already failed them.

In a way,  David and Michael’s deaths reinforce the reason why I keep relationships at a distance.   As a lesbian, I have to make a conscious decision whether I want to have children or not.   My wife and I have decided we are better aunts than mothers.   For me, I don’t think I could handle the loss of a child.   It’s enough that I’ve allowed myself to be in a relationship with my wife, that I’ve made myself vulnerable in that way terrifies me.   I often find myself in a tug a war in relationships.  I pull people close and then push them away- even Leah.  It starts to feel dangerous if I depend too much on any one person.  I’ve learned how to cope with loss by almost eliminating the possibility completely.  My friends and therapist tell me that being vulnerable and connection make life worth living, but at this point I am not convinced.

I am a woman of privilege- I’m white, middle class, educated, and insured and it’s been difficult to find a psychiatrist who gives a shit and a therapist who I can actually talk to.  The amount of money I have spent on my health since February is atrocious.  I was and am lucky that I was in the financial position where I can spend $85 a week on copays for therapy and my DBT class.  That’s not counting PCP, gastro, or psychiatry appointments. I can’t imagine where I would be right now had I not had these privileges.

My friend is left to cope with the death of her son and try to continue on with her life.  In a way, all the best we all can do is learn how to cope with what life throws our way.   The key word is “learn.”  Some of us do not develop the proper coping skills as children because we are focusing on survival and as adults we have to learn ways of coping that are healthy and won’t result in an untimely death.

I’m tired of the bullshit.  I’m tired of how we shy away from certain people because they seem unhinged or how we ask someone how they are, but we don’t care and don’t want a real answer.  I’m tired of pleasantries.  I’m also tired of reading news stories about police brutality against those who are in marginalized groups.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/24/ferguson-ruling-civil-unrest_n_6215654.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-a-powell/response-to-ferguson-syst_b_6218332.html