“We all have burdens we carry through life, grief and disappointments that we can’t change. But we can make them lighter if we don’t hide them, if we don’t try to bear them silently and alone.”

Joanna Connors

 I will Find You (P.235)

It’s been quite crazy and busy the past several weeks for a lot of different reasons.   I have had to juggle a lot of doctors appointments along with work and situations that inevitably arise in life.  My stepfather died on May 2nd after a year and a half battle with pancreatic cancer.   On May 1st I unexpectedly flew to Seattle to see him and be there for my mother when he took his last few breaths.  I am so grateful that the timing worked out so that I had a chance to visit and hug him the day before he died. Similarly to my father’s death, I had feelings come up that I had not anticipated.

In early April, when it was apparent he did not have much time left, I decided to write him a letter.  In this letter I wrote the things I wanted to say to him, but knew I would never be able to adequately say them out loud – as writing is my best form of communication.  When I sat down to write the letter- as usual, feelings and thoughts I did not know I was having poured out onto the computer. It often feels like my fingers keep all my feelings, thoughts, and secrets.  I will not bore you with all the details, but I wanted him to know how thankful I was that he came into my mother’s life and how he wormed his way into my closed off heart.  After my father died I felt like I was done with father figures (I had paid my penance and wanted to be free) and really wanted nothing to do with another one.  When my mother started dating Arnie and married him I would refer to him as “my mother’s husband” instead of my stepfather.  She married him long after I was out of the house and he was not my father in the usual sense.

Fortunately for me, Arnie was more than just my mother’s husband.  In a way he became one of my most important advocates.  He not only saved/repaired my relationship with my grandmother, but also opened doors in my relationship with my mother.  Arnie lived what he preached (an example of a true Christian) and this was evident in the way he helped me to navigate my relationships with my mother and grandmother as a queer person.  I was outed to my 98 year old grandmother by another family member and I was completely devastated.  I had planned to not share that part of my life with my grandmother because she was very religious and conservative and I just felt like it was not necessary to.  I had remembered how disappointed my grandmother was when she found out Rosie O’Donnell (big surprise!) was gay.  Anyways, Arnie and mom happened to be with her in Daytona when she was told that I was gay and he was able to sit down and speak with my grandmother and my relationship with her remained mostly intact until the day she died.

Arnie also made my mother happy in a way I had never seen before.  Her smile was real and bright and she had a little dance to her step. I am very grateful to him for this because she definitely deserved to have this kind of companion in her life.  He also had a way of saying what one needed to hear. During our last phone conversation he kept telling me that I was enough and that I needed to remember that.

I got back from Seattle on May 8th and then on May 9th I started my first session (of 30) of TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and got an IUD in order to alleviate my possible endometriosis symptoms.  My TMS treatment is 5 days a week for an hour for 6 weeks. The picture featured above is a picture of me receiving the TMS treatment.  The black piece of equipment on my head is the magnetic device.  For four seconds it feels like a wood pecker (not painful, just a little uncomfortable) is vibrating on my head. Then there is 20 seconds of silence and it repeats for about 45 minutes.  During TMS I have been using the Headspace app to meditate for 10 minutes and then I listen to music or read a book for the remaining time. On Friday I finished my 9th session and I think it is having a positive effect on my overall mood.  It’s still a little to early to tell.

Prior to leaving for Seattle I had an EKG and found out that I have a prolonged QT interval, which is most likely caused by my combination of medications. Because a prolonged QT interval can be dangerous and I have a strong history of heart disease in my family, it was necessary to make some pretty immediate medication changes.  So along with the TMS and IUD I have been tapering off Lexapro and Trazadone onto Vyybrid and something else to help me sleep at night (have yet to find).  Needless to say it’s hard to determine what is responsible for changes in my mood with all of these factors happening at the same time.  I have been keeping a daily log about my TMS treatment and will be posting more about my experience with TMS once I have completed the treatment.