Tag / mental illness

by krubesch

Triggers

“Ongoing experience convinces me that some children respond to pervasive emotional neglect and abandonment by over-identifying or even merging their identity with the inner critic and adopting an intense form of perfectionism that triggers them into painful abandonment flashbacks every time they are less than perfect or perfectly pleasing.”

Pete Walker

The only time I am in touch with my anger/rage is when I’m driving.  It always shocks me when I venomously yell out curse words or hurl insults at crazy drivers around me.  I don’t recognize my own voice. I have to stop myself from flipping people off.   It’s interesting to me that this is the one situation where I express anger. I guess it’s safe? Because I am in my car and it’s socially acceptable to have some road rage.  No one can hear me and I am in my own space.  Quiet  and calm Katie disappears when I buckle my seatbelt and put my car in drive. I’m becoming more aware of my habits, traits, and actions.

I mentioned in the my last post that I have started EMDR with my therapist and it’s been pretty intense.  I have also been attending DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) class every other week.  Since I’ve begun processing events of my childhood I’ve gone from one regular therapy session and one DBT session to as many as three therapy sessions and one DBT session a week.  I’ve been gauging how I am doing by how many sessions I’ve had to go to in a week.  A four session week means that I am  not doing well and having to take each day an hour at a time.  The good thing is that I’ve been reaching out and asking for more appointments when I need them instead of “toughing” it out.

Since we started doing EMDR I am more aware of my anger and a greater presence of PTSD symptoms.  I’ve been extremely jumpy in my everyday life.  The other day Leah was driving and I literally jumped out of my seat because of brake lights ahead of us. I scared the crap out of both of us!   Today I’ve jumped when the office phone rings, when I hear a loud noise from the restaurant above our office, and when the bank teller surprised me.  I had forgotten what this feels like- always being on edge. I’m also not paying as close attention to tasks and everyday things as I normally do. I went flying over a speed bump that I did not see and took my car and myself by surprise.  Laundry, grocery shopping, and meal planning have been incomplete to my wife’s alarm.  She’s used to me being the one who gets most of this done. Sorry honey!   My therapist says that this is normal and that things are going to get worse before they can get better.  I’m just afraid of what worse means.  I’ve also been way more emotional and triggered by things that I would normally just let roll off my back.

I’ve found myself unable to cry when I feel like I need to.  I don’t know if this is because of the anti depressants or because I’m somehow not in tune enough with myself to let the tears fall.  I’ve recently started getting sad books from the library because when I really get into a book I am able to let the tears flow. I was not sure if this was going to work because I had not tried it with this round of drugs, but last night it did still work. Is this self-care? I’m not sure.   I am able to identify more with a book than with my own life. I’m not quite sure what this says about me.

Sorry if this is TMI, but my entire blog is pretty much “too much information.” I was diagnosed with a urinary tract infection yesterday and boy has this been the biggest trigger so far.  It’s all I can do to stay awake and present with the pain from my lady parts. I’d love to just retreat by going to bed and pop a trazadone to fall asleep until the pain goes away.   I’m really glad my therapist and I did not do EMDR last night during our session because I don’t think I could have handled having flashbacks along with this intense pressure in my pelvic area. It was nice to be able to go home and be with Leah and lose myself in a book after therapy last night.  I think reading has always been a welcome escape for me even as a child. I remember loving how reading could take me away from the present moment and into the lives of other people.  I felt like I had a relationship with others through stepping into their lives.  I’m still learning which of my coping skills are “effective and kosher” and which are not.  I know that in a way reading lets me dissociate from the present, but it also serves as a great distraction.  It’s a lot better than drinking, self-harming, or eating.

More info about DBT http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm

by krubesch

What Goes Up, Must Come Down

I don’t want to wait anymore I’m tired of looking for answers
Take me some place where there’s music and there’s laughter
I don’t know if I’m scared of dying but I’m scared of living too fast, too slow
Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no I’ve got to go
There’s no starting over, no new beginnings, time races on
And you’ve just gotta keep on keeping on
Gotta keep on going, looking straight out on the road
Can’t worry ’bout what’s behind you or what’s coming for you further up the road
I try not to hold on to what is gone, I try to do right what is wrong
I try to keep on keeping on
Yeah I just keep on keeping on

First Aid Kit – My Silver Lining Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 Klara Maria and Johanna Kasja Soederberg

I guess this was bound to happen.  From experience I should have known that when I start to feel good and happy I inevitably come back to reality because what goes up must come down.  I knew getting a new job was not going to fix me, however it made me feel great for a while and it helped fuel the illusion that my previous job was the source of all my problems.  In theory I know I can’t run away from myself, but making changes is about making your life better, right?  I’ve made my everyday circumstances infinitely better, but it looks like I am the common denominator.  It’s hard to tell if my recent withdrawal from friends and family is due to getting on Prozac and coming off of Zoloft or if the honeymoon is over and I have realized I still have my pain in the ass friend, Depression.  I wish mental health was easier to diagnose and separate factors that affect it so that I could know exactly how I need to fix myself.  Maybe it’s just winter. It’s been dreary and cold in Atlanta (minus a crazy week of sunshine and warmth) and I’ve found myself wanting to hibernate.

I keep myself crazy busy or I crash and relax. Relaxing works for about an hour and then I start to feel like a lazy slob and the inner critic starts to come out.  I can’t win. I know that keeping myself so busy is causing problems, but relaxing turns me into a zombie.  This is so fucked up.  Therapy has been hard, but I know it has to get harder because we are still just skating the surface.  I go from being so very hopeful to being hopeless in the period of 24 hours.  Sometimes I feel like no one gets me, but I’ve created that scenario because I don’t want anyone to get too close.  I feel like my emotions do a push and pull constantly and I wonder if that’s part of the reason why I am tired all of the time.  This need to over analyze everything is all-consuming and I want to know if I am tired because of The Elimination Diet, my medicine, introvert-ism, or the struggle of emotions and relationships.  It’s like I really need to know the cause of each issue or symptom so that I can understand why it’s a part of me. I know that everything intersects and what I want to know is an impossible feat.

I can tell that my diet is teetering on the line of doing something healthy for myself and disordered eating. I’ve had bouts of anorexia in high school and college and my all or nothing attitude is rearing its head in the food department again.  I told my therapist that this diet was not going to be too difficult because once I decide to do something, I do it.  It’s like I have just as much to prove to myself as everyone else.

 It’s funny because the people I feel like I have to prove myself to are either dead or not in my life anymore. I guess in a way the person I’m really trying to get approval from is myself. I’ve had a lot of dreams lately with my dad and my half-sister in them which is weird because they haven’t made appearances in my dreams in a really long time.  I’m not sure what this means. I guess maybe it’s my minds way of letting me know that I need to start dealing with these broken and unresolved relationships. I’ve pretty much been estranged from my sister for give or take 14 years.  It’s a complicated and painful relationship. One that I don’t think will ever change.  I just need to somehow let it go and move on.  I’m not sure why my father had five children when he couldn’t really be a father to any of us.  Since he was straight I guess he didn’t have to contemplate the pros and cons of bring a life into the world, much less five.  As lesbians who can’t just accidentally have children, we’ve very consciously had to think about if we can afford and emotionally support a child and if it’s the best decision for our family.

I told Leah last night that she was going to have to be patient with me. I can feel a storm brewing and I’ve seen the oh so familiar signs of depression sneaking up on me.  I know that when I neglect grooming such as clipping my nails, shaving, and jewelry and makeup I’m not feeling that great.  Don’t get me wrong, I shower every day, sometimes twice. We will all know I am in deep shit when I stop bathing!  I’ve also lost interest in reading, watching tv, and other activities that I enjoy.  I’m forcing myself to at least walk the dogs daily and play soccer once a week.  I’ve stopped trying to make plans with friends and just let Leah be in charge of our fun time.  Talking on the phone sounds like an impossible task at the moment. It just feels draining.

What I don’t know if this is just a temporary gloomy phase or if it’s going to be another 6-9 months of this.  That’s always the question on my mind when I start to feel sad. Whether it’s justified sadness or if I need to pull out all the stops to prevent myself from “going there.” I think that’s why I’ve avoided my feelings for so long, I am afraid they are going to be so big and all consuming.  Like they will swallow me whole and there will just be a shell of myself left.

by krubesch

Coping

 

“A riot is the language of the unheard”

Martin Luther King Jr.

Picture from popularresistance.org

I started this blog post last week and left it unfinished because I hit a wall.   After the news that there will be no charges in Michael Brown’s death, I have a lot more to say.

I am writing right now in an effort to get my thoughts out of my head by putting them on the screen in front of me.  I’ve had this heavy feeling since Friday when I learned that a good friend’s 26-year-old son had been killed on Tuesday.  His death was the result of a standoff with cops and he was shot five times in the chest.  This death weighs on my mind because his father was in the process of trying to get him some mental health help.   David, the son, was living in Alabama and in that state you can’t have someone committed against their will, so his father was trying to bring him back to Georgia because one can be hospitalized against their will for 72 hours.   They were trying to get him help, but his mental illness ultimately resulted in his death.

I am very aware that this could have been me.  It could have been a member of my family. Mental illness does not discriminate.  It affects the rich, poor, middle class, educated, un-educated, every race, celebrities etc. I’m trying to point out that it’s not always someone else, this affects all of us.  This is the reason why I started my blog- to bring about awareness and to help eliminate the stigma.  Things could have turned out differently for David had there been resources and the necessary avenues to get him help.   David’s death could have been prevented.   The entire system is fucked up.  Our police are trained to put a person down like a dog in the instance of any threat instead of coming up with a more humane way of handling a potentially deadly scenario. I get that they have to protect themselves, but shooting someone five times in the chest seems excessive. The system is broken and needs to be fixed.

Michael Brown’s death could have also been prevented.  It’s crazy to me that in this day and age that we have not come up with a better way and that it seems like there is a news story everyday where an African-American teenage boy is killed in cold blood.  I can’t help but ponder how last nights events would have been different if the cop that killed Michael was African-American and if he was caucasian.   I think there would have been an indictment and more outrage over Michael’s death.

Some friends of mine on Facebook have commented that it’s ridiculous that the citizens of Ferguson are destroying store fronts and resorting to violence in the wake of last nights news.   I see this as their way of coping.   They don’t feel heard.  In reality most of us know that looting and getting into fights are not the answer to the injustice of Michael Brown’s death, but in our emotion mind we forget this.   I believe that Ferguson feels like the only way to get attention brought to this situation is to do it in a big way.  What bigger way than to set the city ablaze? After all the justice system has already failed them.

In a way,  David and Michael’s deaths reinforce the reason why I keep relationships at a distance.   As a lesbian, I have to make a conscious decision whether I want to have children or not.   My wife and I have decided we are better aunts than mothers.   For me, I don’t think I could handle the loss of a child.   It’s enough that I’ve allowed myself to be in a relationship with my wife, that I’ve made myself vulnerable in that way terrifies me.   I often find myself in a tug a war in relationships.  I pull people close and then push them away- even Leah.  It starts to feel dangerous if I depend too much on any one person.  I’ve learned how to cope with loss by almost eliminating the possibility completely.  My friends and therapist tell me that being vulnerable and connection make life worth living, but at this point I am not convinced.

I am a woman of privilege- I’m white, middle class, educated, and insured and it’s been difficult to find a psychiatrist who gives a shit and a therapist who I can actually talk to.  The amount of money I have spent on my health since February is atrocious.  I was and am lucky that I was in the financial position where I can spend $85 a week on copays for therapy and my DBT class.  That’s not counting PCP, gastro, or psychiatry appointments. I can’t imagine where I would be right now had I not had these privileges.

My friend is left to cope with the death of her son and try to continue on with her life.  In a way, all the best we all can do is learn how to cope with what life throws our way.   The key word is “learn.”  Some of us do not develop the proper coping skills as children because we are focusing on survival and as adults we have to learn ways of coping that are healthy and won’t result in an untimely death.

I’m tired of the bullshit.  I’m tired of how we shy away from certain people because they seem unhinged or how we ask someone how they are, but we don’t care and don’t want a real answer.  I’m tired of pleasantries.  I’m also tired of reading news stories about police brutality against those who are in marginalized groups.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/24/ferguson-ruling-civil-unrest_n_6215654.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-a-powell/response-to-ferguson-syst_b_6218332.html