Tag / trauma

by krubesch

Hearts Keep Drumming

Hearts Keep Drumming

Oh life
Is just a game
No one ever tells you how to play
See different people
Go different ways
Some of them will leave you but
Some of them will stay
Well our hearts keep drumming
And the years keep coming
Quicker than they’ve ever been
You’re sick of the same thing
But it’s quicker than changing
It’s too late to begin
Well everybody’s running
But you don’t know where
Time is running thin
Everybody’s looking for somebody to love
But we’re scared to let them in
And I say oh oh oh
Are there any survivors?
Am I here alone?
I say oh oh oh
Are there any survivors?
Am I here alone?
Am I on my own?
Am I on my own?
Oh love
It comes and goes
But no one never tells you how to learn to let go
Different people, they walk different roads
Some of them will hurt you but
Some of them won’t
Well the bridge is burning
And the wheel keeps turning
Quicker than it did before
Your heart screams “yes”
Your head says “no”
And you’re never really sure
Well everybody’s running
But you don’t know why
Time is running short
Everybody’s looking for a place to hide
So there’s no one left at all
Survivors
By Passenger

It’s been almost a year since I have posted on my blog. It’s not that I have not written, I just did not feel like sharing what I wrote, as it has been a difficult year and I have felt guarded. Everything I wrote just seemed so dark and depressing. I judge myself a lot harsher than I would anyone else and feel like what I have written is utter crap. This past year has felt like being on the biggest and craziest roller coaster at six flags. Not only have I had some of my lowest moments, I have also had some really good experiences, in which I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone. These experiences seem to have changed me in substantial ways and pushed me to grow in ways I don’t think I otherwise would have.

In February after years of hearing about it, I took part in Ladies Rock Camp. Thanks to my friend, Emily (!) and all my awesome friends who donated towards my tuition. This is basically a 3 day music camp for adults that includes music lessons, we are split into bands, and then tasked to write an original song and then perform it at a venue. I was so excited and nervous before participating and had a lot of self doubt about taking part in this. I am so glad I did it! I played the drums (my first choice of the 3 instruments I put on my paperwork) at Ladies Rock Camp and this was the first time I had seriously played since I was 17 years old. I had a bad experience with a band director in high school and was picked on for being one of the only girls (and good) who played the drums in middle school and thought that I would never play again. This experience was amazing and really boosted my self confidence. I feel like I was able to reconnect with this part of my 17 year old self and it felt really healing. It was nice to prove to myself that I could do something that felt really scary and out of my comfort zone and actually excel at it. I didn’t even get mad at myself when I goofed up during our performance (big deal for me!). This is something I try to hold on to when I am having difficult moments and I am slowly starting to add the drums back into my life as a fun activity. This was definitely one of the heights of the rollercoaster of the past year.

Part of the reason why I am writing about all of this now because not only do I need to sort out the thoughts in my head, but I think I need to reach out for help from my friends and family. Writing seems to be the only way in which I am able to articulate my thoughts and needs in an effective way.

I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis after having surgery on 08/01/2018. The doctor who diagnosed me was the 7th doctor I had seen for the chronic pain I had been experiencing at that point for two years. Although that surgery relieved a lot of my pain, I started having chronic back pain again in October of 2018. Since then my pain has increased and is now affecting different parts of my body. Currently, and in the past 6 months, my pain levels radiate between 6 out of 10 to as bad as 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. My wife tells me I am not an effusive or demonstrative person (What?! who is surprised by that other than me?!) and that she has not been aware that I have been in that much pain since I don’t go into detail when I tell her I am hurting. To me, saying that, “I am hurting” means that I am in a lot of pain because I don’t usually complain. I think that I am conveying to people how I feel when apparently I am not getting my point across. That has been a big source of frustration in general for me, as I think I am communicating to people when I am actually not. I need to keep this in mind and try to be more descriptive with my words.

After almost 8 months of physical therapy ($$$ because hardly any pelvic floor therapists in Georgia are in network with insurance), an MRI, a back x-ray, appointments with my primary care physician, my surgeon and a rheumatologist, I still did not really have any answers about why I was continuing to have chronic back, hip, glute, thigh and heel pain. In early April, I became a little desperate about my increased pain and decided to get a 2nd or 8th (depending on how you look at it) opinion from a doctor in Chattanooga who was in network with my insurance and really seemed to know his stuff. When I called the earliest appointment he had available was 08/06/2019, so I went ahead and scheduled it.

On my birthday, 4/30/2019, the surgeon who originally diagnosed me, called me to let me know I had some concerning cysts and “fluffy” tissue that her radiologist noticed on the MRI I had in February (after Emory told me it was normal- the 2nd MRI they have misread). She let me know that she would need to do multiple procedures along with a biopsy as soon as possible to determine if that was causing my recurrence of pain and to rule “other things out.” Of course I immediately went into panic mode and consulted Dr. Google! Bad idea… My immediate concern became that I might have cancer. I continued to pretty much obsess about this until we finally got the results of my biopsy. Almost two months after that phone call and the procedures, I found out that I did not have cancer and that the “fluffy” tissue was likely due to the excess estrogen that is caused by endometriosis.  Not a definitive answer as to if this is causing my pain. My doctor seemed pretty unconcerned with my pain levels, especially since my test results all came back “normal.” I decided to keep that appointment with the other doctor in Chattanooga in hopes that he might have some insight.

I am really glad I kept the appointment with the surgeon in Chattanooga. He listened and asked questions in a way no other doctors had up until that point. He knew from looking at my previous surgery pictures that I still had endometriosis on my intestines and most likely in other areas in my abdominal area. He told Leah and I that I would need another surgery and explained that I would need to have my appendix removed because it can be a pelvic pain generator and excise any endometriosis that he finds when he goes in. He also highly recommended that I get a hysterectomy and he will leave it up to me as to whether I keep my ovaries or not. He did extensive blood work at that appointment, ordered a lumbar MRI (in hopes to see if he could tell what was causing my back pain, although he is pretty sure it is endometriosis). I left that appointment in tears- partly because the drive to Chattanooga felt amazing compared to Orlando (my other surgeon’s office is there) and really because, once again I know my body best and I am not crazy. He validated the fact that I knew and still know that there is something wrong with my body and my surgery was scheduled by the time I left his office. His office is so much more efficient than my previous surgeon. He answered all of my and Leah’s questions in detail and spent over an hour with us at my appointment.

I thought that waiting 4 months for my appointment with him would probably be the most difficult thing out of this process, well I was wrong. Our insurance changed in July of 2019 and I have been trying to get the MRI that my doctor ordered approved by our insurance company for two months at this point. My doctor’s office and I have spent hours on the phone with them, he did a peer to peer review (where your doctor tries to convince one of the insurance company’s doctors that you need whatever procedure they’re denying), and I wrote an appeal letter- including my eight months of physical therapy notes, my x-ray results, and a note from my therapist (basically saying that chronic pain and constant self-advocacy and battles with insurance is affecting my mental health). I am still in limbo as of today as to whether they will cover my MRI and my surgery date is 20 days away. I thought that having three months in between my appointment and my surgery date would give me plenty of time to get everything in order. As of today, I still don’t know if they are going to approve my surgery that is scheduled out of state in less than 3 weeks.

Everything came to a head last night and I had an epic meltdown. I started crying while I was cooking because we were out of avocado and that was supposed to go into the meal that I was cooking. I am on a crazy anti inflammatory/endometriosis/ interstitial cystitis diet to try to manage my pain and inflammations and it was the avocado that tipped me over the edge! All the feelings that I have been keeping at bay by remaining constantly busy, productive, researching and planning, all came rushing to the surface and finally I let myself stay with my feelings and allow them to move through me. I am so so tired. Being in constant pain and remaining a productive member of my household, job, and society in general is so draining. I am very careful as to how much we have scheduled outside of work because even a fun and easy dinner with friends is exhausting. I know that I have been isolating myself for this reason and also having a chronic illness that involves my lady parts is not necessarily the easiest thing to talk about, nor the most acceptable in our society. I am aware that I am not reaching out to people when I need to and I am going to work on this.

It’s very hard to try to process losing my uterus when I don’t even know if or when it is actually going to happen. It feels hopeless to have to fight with my insurance company when I am in so much pain and the dark thoughts I try to keep at bay come bubbling up to the surface. These suicidal thoughts make me feel riddled with shame along with the shame that comes with having endometriosis in the first place. Not to mention having to prove to doctors and insurance companies that there is something wrong with my body. This is something that needs to be discussed. 1 in 10 women have endometriosis and so many women have hysterectomies and don’t talk about it. I would love any input from those who have had one, as to what to expect, tips and anything else I might need to know.

I am scared about my surgery. I am scared that the surgery won’t help and that I will feel this way the rest of my life. I am scared of not knowing how long I will be out of work (it will depend on exactly what is done in surgery and we won’t know until it happens). I am terrified that we will have to go into debt or that I will have to delay this surgery even longer. I am scared that permanent damage is being done to my body while I am in this limbo. I worry about Leah having to take on most of the household responsibilities while I am recovering, and the toll her worry over me takes on her. I worry that I made the wrong decision in not having kids now that it is almost too late. I worry about possible complications from my upcoming surgery. I am so anxious about our insurance and whether we will have surprise bills IF they even approve my surgery.

 

Did you know?

  • Endometriosis is one of the top three causes of female infertility
  • An estimated 8.5-10 million women in the US and 200 million (that’s 200,000,000) worldwide are believed to be affected
  • Extremely painful menstruation, endometriosis’ most commonly known symptom, is the leading cause of missed work and school in young girls and women, according to one NIH study
  • Endometriosis commonly goes undiagnosed or misdiagnosed, with women experiencing about 6-10 years delay before being correctly diagnosed
  • Endometriosis is also frequently undiagnosed in teenage girls, due to persistent medical myths, like the false belief that pain with periods is normal or that teenagers rarely get endometriosis
    Taken from http://nezhat.org/endometriosis-treatment/endometriosis/
by krubesch

The Fear

Oh, my, my, cold-hearted child, tell me how you feel just a grain in the morning air, dark shadow on the hill

Oh, my, my, cold-hearted child, tell me where it all falls

All this apathy you feel will make a fool of us all

Oh, I’ve been worryin’ that my time is a little unclear

I’ve been worryin’ that I’m losing the ones I hold dear

I’ve been worryin’ that we all live our lives in the confines of fear

I’ve been worryin’, I’ve been worryin’,

I will become what I deserve

I’ve been worryin’,

My time is a little unclear

I will become what I deserve

“The Fear”

Ben Howard

I’ve hesitated in writing this blog post for several reasons, but my ultimate goal of removing the stigma surrounding mental health and to start an honest dialog seems to have won out. After all Brené Brown states that the key to wholehearted living is vulnerability. Being vulnerable is a very uncomfortable feeling for me and I think that shame is the main culprit. I am putting my shame, guilt, and fear aside and I will be going to a PTSD inpatient program starting on 12/23. Happy Holidays! This has been a decision that I have been pondering for about a month now and my therapist and I have decided that this is the best course of action. Another reason why I am writing about this is that I decided a while back that I was done keeping secrets, keeping them has contributed to feelings of shame and isolation. Several people have been asking my wife, Leah,  how I am doing and she has no idea how to answer this question at the moment. In our culture it’s not socially acceptable for her to burst into tears and let them know that I will be spending the holidays in a rehab of sorts.

My symptoms from my PTSD are becoming increasingly unmanageable and scaring me a little bit, ok….a lot. My suicidal thoughts have gone from ideations to more concrete actions. I almost wish I could tell people that I am a drug addict and I am putting myself in rehab, that seems like it would be easier to accept and to say. I have this idea that I am just not trying hard enough to keep myself in check, but in reality I know that I am starting to feel less and less in control. I realize that I am needing more support on a daily basis.  I haven’t slept well or without medication in over a month and my stomach feels like it’s in knots everyday. My memory, which is usually a steel trap can’t remember if I have put on deodorant moments after I used it, I am asking questions several times in a row after receiving the answer several times, I am driving and realize I can’t remember where I am going or recognize where I have driven to, and I either feel like I am on the verge of tears or completely numb. It’s all I can do to get out of bed in the morning and make sure I look acceptable for work.

I don’t want to leave my wife for the holidays, but I am looking at the bigger picture and really have no interest in celebrating this year anyways. I usually look forward to decorating the Christmas tree and if it had been up to me I would not have done it at all this year. I am terrified of the unknown. I am petrified of what might come my way next.  I don’t know if this program is going to make me feel better or assist me in being able to cope more effectively in everyday life. I don’t know if it will cause more damage than improvement. I don’t know what it’s going to be like or if it will be the best thing I have done for myself. I am ashamed that I have to do this, but at this point I don’t see any other options.

My boss has been amazing and I am very grateful I am able to do this. My friends and family that know what’s been  going on have also been great about checking on me,  bringing me treats, and lending support.

I have completely taken Facebook off my phone and am not on there at all at the moment. I have grounded myself from reading most news outlets because I cannot handle the state of our country at the moment (that is a whole other blog post).  I will not have access to my cell phone for about 2 weeks give or take a few days, so don’t be offended if I don’t answer texts, calls, or emails. If you run into my wife while I am gone, please give her a big hug.

owningstoryquote

by krubesch

What Goes Up, Must Come Down

I don’t want to wait anymore I’m tired of looking for answers
Take me some place where there’s music and there’s laughter
I don’t know if I’m scared of dying but I’m scared of living too fast, too slow
Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no I’ve got to go
There’s no starting over, no new beginnings, time races on
And you’ve just gotta keep on keeping on
Gotta keep on going, looking straight out on the road
Can’t worry ’bout what’s behind you or what’s coming for you further up the road
I try not to hold on to what is gone, I try to do right what is wrong
I try to keep on keeping on
Yeah I just keep on keeping on

First Aid Kit – My Silver Lining Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 Klara Maria and Johanna Kasja Soederberg

I guess this was bound to happen.  From experience I should have known that when I start to feel good and happy I inevitably come back to reality because what goes up must come down.  I knew getting a new job was not going to fix me, however it made me feel great for a while and it helped fuel the illusion that my previous job was the source of all my problems.  In theory I know I can’t run away from myself, but making changes is about making your life better, right?  I’ve made my everyday circumstances infinitely better, but it looks like I am the common denominator.  It’s hard to tell if my recent withdrawal from friends and family is due to getting on Prozac and coming off of Zoloft or if the honeymoon is over and I have realized I still have my pain in the ass friend, Depression.  I wish mental health was easier to diagnose and separate factors that affect it so that I could know exactly how I need to fix myself.  Maybe it’s just winter. It’s been dreary and cold in Atlanta (minus a crazy week of sunshine and warmth) and I’ve found myself wanting to hibernate.

I keep myself crazy busy or I crash and relax. Relaxing works for about an hour and then I start to feel like a lazy slob and the inner critic starts to come out.  I can’t win. I know that keeping myself so busy is causing problems, but relaxing turns me into a zombie.  This is so fucked up.  Therapy has been hard, but I know it has to get harder because we are still just skating the surface.  I go from being so very hopeful to being hopeless in the period of 24 hours.  Sometimes I feel like no one gets me, but I’ve created that scenario because I don’t want anyone to get too close.  I feel like my emotions do a push and pull constantly and I wonder if that’s part of the reason why I am tired all of the time.  This need to over analyze everything is all-consuming and I want to know if I am tired because of The Elimination Diet, my medicine, introvert-ism, or the struggle of emotions and relationships.  It’s like I really need to know the cause of each issue or symptom so that I can understand why it’s a part of me. I know that everything intersects and what I want to know is an impossible feat.

I can tell that my diet is teetering on the line of doing something healthy for myself and disordered eating. I’ve had bouts of anorexia in high school and college and my all or nothing attitude is rearing its head in the food department again.  I told my therapist that this diet was not going to be too difficult because once I decide to do something, I do it.  It’s like I have just as much to prove to myself as everyone else.

 It’s funny because the people I feel like I have to prove myself to are either dead or not in my life anymore. I guess in a way the person I’m really trying to get approval from is myself. I’ve had a lot of dreams lately with my dad and my half-sister in them which is weird because they haven’t made appearances in my dreams in a really long time.  I’m not sure what this means. I guess maybe it’s my minds way of letting me know that I need to start dealing with these broken and unresolved relationships. I’ve pretty much been estranged from my sister for give or take 14 years.  It’s a complicated and painful relationship. One that I don’t think will ever change.  I just need to somehow let it go and move on.  I’m not sure why my father had five children when he couldn’t really be a father to any of us.  Since he was straight I guess he didn’t have to contemplate the pros and cons of bring a life into the world, much less five.  As lesbians who can’t just accidentally have children, we’ve very consciously had to think about if we can afford and emotionally support a child and if it’s the best decision for our family.

I told Leah last night that she was going to have to be patient with me. I can feel a storm brewing and I’ve seen the oh so familiar signs of depression sneaking up on me.  I know that when I neglect grooming such as clipping my nails, shaving, and jewelry and makeup I’m not feeling that great.  Don’t get me wrong, I shower every day, sometimes twice. We will all know I am in deep shit when I stop bathing!  I’ve also lost interest in reading, watching tv, and other activities that I enjoy.  I’m forcing myself to at least walk the dogs daily and play soccer once a week.  I’ve stopped trying to make plans with friends and just let Leah be in charge of our fun time.  Talking on the phone sounds like an impossible task at the moment. It just feels draining.

What I don’t know if this is just a temporary gloomy phase or if it’s going to be another 6-9 months of this.  That’s always the question on my mind when I start to feel sad. Whether it’s justified sadness or if I need to pull out all the stops to prevent myself from “going there.” I think that’s why I’ve avoided my feelings for so long, I am afraid they are going to be so big and all consuming.  Like they will swallow me whole and there will just be a shell of myself left.

by krubesch

Full Circle

“Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers. It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life.”
Shannon L. Alder

I broke up with therapist number two.  It just didn’t feel right and I had a sense of dread before therapy sessions, which is not normally the case.  The good news is that I have found someone I really like.  Under different circumstances I think we would be friends.  I feel that familiar pull with her of wanting to open Pandora’s box and wondering if it’s worth it or if that’s even necessary.  I spend so much time minimizing my feelings that I don’t think I know what’s even there.  I’m afraid that we are probably going to be able to do some serious work together. I’m afraid because I know its going to be arduous and difficult.  It feels like a looming probability that I know needs to happen, but I’m not sure if it’s going to be manageable.

We’ve come full circle back to my favorite skills: Nonjudgementally, One-Mindfully, and Effectively in my DBT class.  This week I’ve tried to be very aware when I’m using my skills.  I think these are my favorite because they are so familiar.  I definitely have become intimate with Nonjudgementally.  I direct judgement at myself everyday and I’m becoming increasingly aware of how often.  The first time I ever practiced this skill it was devastating to realize how little self compassion I have.  Now I’m realizing that I’m starting to be able to notice that inner critic and side step the judgement.  For instance, on Tuesday I was taking my dog Penny for her second walk of the day and I really wanted to do interval training with her, but my stomach hurt.  Instead of pushing through it or berating myself because I wasn’t running I noticed that I could either be an asshole to myself or just be glad that I’m able to take Penny for a walk.  This is pretty huge because I’m a grin and bear it kind of girl.

I didn’t have many choices growing up.  Things were decided for me: what I could watch, eat, listen to, say ect.  I think this made me seem easy-going to a lot of people later on in my teenage years and twenties.  What may have looked like a laid back personality was really me just going with the flow because I didn’t think my opinions mattered or were important. Or that I even had any.  I’m realizing now that I have choices and my voice deserves to be heard.  This may be bad news for my wife!

To be intentional about the skill One-Mindfully, I’ve been driving to work without music, talking on the phone, or eating.  Just focusing on my driving. That’s 15-30 minutes a day.  It feels so un-natural and difficult.  I guess I never realized how much I use music as a distraction.  When I first started therapy a year ago my therapist told me that I should practice mindfulness so that we could determine what thoughts keep popping up for me and those are the things we would need to work on.  Well it’s taken a year for me to be able to even entertain that possibility. This week I’ve gotten a lot of clarity on the thoughts I keep at bay.  I’m not surprised by the thoughts that have come up and I know why I keep so busy and distracted from myself.  The thing is that they are painful and I’m not sure if thinking about them and processing them will be helpful or just make me spiral back into my dark hole.  They also involve people who are either dead or who I’m estranged from.

For the Effectively skill, it’s shown up way less intentionally.  My new therapist asked me my goals yesterday and one of them is to develop self compassion.  I’ve been effective in identifying a goal, but I have no clue on how to achieve that goal. I guess I’ve completed the first step in breaking up with a therapist that was not a good fit and continuing to find the right one.  I’m doing my homework and attending my sessions. I guess that’s a step in the right direction.  I wish things would just move faster.  I tend to approach my mental health like I do everything else: get ir done. unfortunately that attitude isn’t going to speed things along or resolve why I don’t have self compassion.  Unfortunately I’m going to have to be willing to dig through a lot of shit and be okay with things taking time.

by krubesch

Embracing My Inner Woo

BE OK

WRITTEN BY
INGRID MICHAELSON

i just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
i just want to be ok today
i just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
i just want to be ok today

i just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
i just want to feel something today
i just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
i just want to feel something today

open me up and you will see
i’m a gallery of broken hearts
i’m beyond repair, let me be
and give me back my broken parts

i just want to know today, know today, know today
i just want to know something today
i just want to know today, know today, know today
know that maybe i will be ok

open me up and you will see
i’m a gallery of broken hearts
i’m beyond repair, let me be
and give me back my broken parts

just give me back my pieces
just give them back to me please
just give me back my pieces
and let me hold my broken parts

i just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
i just want to be ok today
i just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
i just want to be ok today

i just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
i just want to feel something today
i just want to know today, know today, know today
know that maybe i will be ok
know that maybe i will be ok
know that maybe i will be ok

2015 is going to be the year that I embrace my inner woo.  You may be asking yourself, “what the hell does that mean?”  Well, it means that I’m going the holistic energy healing, organic elimination, mindfulness route.  Western medicine has not mended all my wounds and something has got to give.  My realistic- by the book personality is shifting and I’m embracing it.  When I told my Gastroenterologist that I’ve still been having sore throats, burps, and chest pain on 40mg of Prevacid she told me I need to start taking 80mg. At first I thought thats great, medicine is the answer. http://www.drugs.com lists the following side effects for Pantoprazole: abdominal or stomach pain, absence of or decrease in body movements, blindness, blistering, peeling, or loosening of the skin, bloating, bloody or cloudy urine, bloody, black, or tarry stools, blurred vision, chills, clay-colored stools, constipation, continuous ringing or buzzing or other unexplained noise in the ears, cough,dark-colored urine, decreased vision….and the list goes on. Needless to say I usually get side effects these days, so it’s very important reading material.  I did some research and my wife pointed out that we’ve simply been treating my problems, not doing anything to heal my gut.

 I’ve started The Elimination Diet in hopes that maybe I have some intolerances that are causing my GERD and stomach pain. This means that for the next two months I am not eating gluten, dairy, eggs, red meat, night shades, caffeine, sugar, citris fruit, tomatoes, chocolate or alcohol.  My beverage choices the days are water or coconut water.  As of right now, I have not had any GERD symptoms since I was eating all the things I have eliminated.  When I decided to do this I thought that I was simply starting a new diet, but I think a new lifestyle may be emerging.

I’ve also been seeing this amazing massage therapist who also does Visceral Manipulation Techniques, Cranio Sacral Therapy, and Myofascial Release among other techniques.  I was very skeptical at first and I would not believe that these techniques could help my depression, anxiety, and gut issues if I was not experiencing it first hand.  She has absolutely changed my life.  I came in yesterday and let her know that I think I am developing TMJ, my left shoulder is in pain (chronic at this point), and I told her about my diet change.  I really did not think that all of my issues were related, but sure enough I felt like a different person when I left yesterday.  What we’ve concluded from our time together is that because I’ve been pushing feelings and trauma away most of my life, my body is taking on what I have not dealt with emotionally. Yup, that’s right my left shoulder hurts because my heart hurts. That’s intense.  Nothing else has given me the results I’m seeing: talk therapy, massages, excercise, or medicine.  It’s come down to moving energy through my body because I have blockages that create pain.

I think it’s appropriate that my love and I rang in the New Year making our vision boards. This year we were very intentional because we half assed it last year and well 2014 was not the best for us.  Here’s to hoping that 2015 has many great things in store for us all.

Cheers!

by krubesch

Empty

“Empty”

She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
And I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through grass grown tall and brown
And still it’s hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way ‒
So empty, so estranged?

And of these cut-throat busted sunsets,
these cold and damp white mornings
I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusted dime-store lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged?

Well, I looked my demons in the eyes
laid bare my chest, said “Do your best, destroy me.
You see, I’ve been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kind of bore me.”
There’s a lot of things that can kill a man
There’s a lot of ways to die
Yes, and some already dead that walk beside me
There’s a lot of things I don’t understand
Why so many people lie
Well, it’s the hurt I hide that fuels the fires inside me

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged?

Ray Lamantagne

I have two states of being: 1. full steam ahead and 2. done.  There is nothing in between.  I seem to keep going until I’ve exhausted myself and then I have to build up my energy again by being almost completely lethargic.  This lethargy then brings me full circle to depression and then it starts all over again.  I’m noticing lately that the full steam ahead is taking a lot more effort and is happening less frequently than in the past. I never thought that I was a person who was addicted to anything.  I’ve always been able to quit things cold turkey.  I tried smoking cigarettes in college and it didn’t take.  What I’m realizing now is that my addiction isn’t related to one thing, it’s whatever I use to help me escape from myself.  I am addicted to staying busy and whatever vice at the moment takes me away from this emptiness.

From January 2014-May 2014 it was alcohol. I had a love affair with red red wine, so much in fact that I was afraid I was becoming an alcoholic.  I’ve been sober since May, with maybe 3 beers or ciders total since then to now.  It was almost magical how that liquid created a courageous, calmer, funnier Katie.  I used this liquid courage in almost every social event to ending up drinking by myself because I wanted an escape from myself. I also used to erase the awfulness of my day or to banish a very difficult therapy session.  I had forgotten that just as fast as the wine made me more fun to be around, it also unleashed dark brooding sad Katie.  It was a toss-up to which guest would make an appearance at my house when I would be 3/4 of the way finished with my Argentinian Malbec.   After I made an asshole appearance one evening at my house, my wife kindly asked me if I would consider not drinking for a while.  It’s funny how it was her request that turned me around, not the fact that drinking to excess and taking xanax on a nightly basis could kill me.  My attitude was que sera, sera.

Since my breakup with red wine, I have not really missed alcohol except over Thanksgiving and today.  I have used alcohol as a coping tool to get through the holidays as long as it was legal for me to drink (and maybe a few years before that too).  This is the first holiday season that I have not had my liquid courage.  It’s been pretty difficult.  Someone asked me, “why I don’t just drink one glass to take the edge off?”  It’s not the alcohol that I’m afraid of.  I’m afraid of that feeling as much as I crave the escape.  I’d rather feel empty and aware of the world around me and the feelings that come with that awareness.  I know that with the first taste of that escape, I might never come back.

The absence of the possibility of escape is weighing on my mind today because I’m also a foodie.  I love flavors and smells.  I love it when I find a unique taste combination and get to share it with my wife.  Today it’s crossed my mind that maybe I just traded alcohol for food.  The healthier I get the harder it’s been to dissociate and I think I’ve been grabbing onto whatever I can.

  • Bill Cosby is a rapist? where the hell is the chocolate?!
  • Some dude has decided that Ferguson was caused because of feminism…I’ll take chocolate covered bacon while reading that article.
  • Mississippi beats Georgia in marriage equality…time to go to Taqueria del Sol for a veggie taco add slaw and a fried chicken taco.  Add an order of guac and chips.
  • My favorite show now has a character that was raped as a child and thinks it’s her fault….I want a milk shake and I don’t care that it’s served with a side of Christian hate (Chik-fil-a will only do at a time like this).

My Gastroenterologist told me today that it sounds like I am having some severe symptoms of reflux and I have to go back on a bland diet and start taking my prescription twice a day.  I also was told that if I lost 10-15lbs I might have fewer symptoms.  Not like I haven’t been trying to lose weight since I could stand tall enough to look in a mirror.  I’ve been in a funk since I received this news.  All I’ve wanted to eat today are things that contain acid. I told my wife that my only two vices that were left were food and shopping.  I can’t really afford either right now and it seems pretty dismal (first world problems, I know).

Maybe this is my body’s way of telling me that I need to really deal with my shit.  Obviously making myself crazy busy, obsessing about the problems of our country, drinking, and now food have slowly created different health problems when I’m using them to hide this mess of jumbled feelings and hidden memories that stay pushed down inside me.   I guess this holiday season I get to deal with my demons.

by krubesch

Coping

 

“A riot is the language of the unheard”

Martin Luther King Jr.

Picture from popularresistance.org

I started this blog post last week and left it unfinished because I hit a wall.   After the news that there will be no charges in Michael Brown’s death, I have a lot more to say.

I am writing right now in an effort to get my thoughts out of my head by putting them on the screen in front of me.  I’ve had this heavy feeling since Friday when I learned that a good friend’s 26-year-old son had been killed on Tuesday.  His death was the result of a standoff with cops and he was shot five times in the chest.  This death weighs on my mind because his father was in the process of trying to get him some mental health help.   David, the son, was living in Alabama and in that state you can’t have someone committed against their will, so his father was trying to bring him back to Georgia because one can be hospitalized against their will for 72 hours.   They were trying to get him help, but his mental illness ultimately resulted in his death.

I am very aware that this could have been me.  It could have been a member of my family. Mental illness does not discriminate.  It affects the rich, poor, middle class, educated, un-educated, every race, celebrities etc. I’m trying to point out that it’s not always someone else, this affects all of us.  This is the reason why I started my blog- to bring about awareness and to help eliminate the stigma.  Things could have turned out differently for David had there been resources and the necessary avenues to get him help.   David’s death could have been prevented.   The entire system is fucked up.  Our police are trained to put a person down like a dog in the instance of any threat instead of coming up with a more humane way of handling a potentially deadly scenario. I get that they have to protect themselves, but shooting someone five times in the chest seems excessive. The system is broken and needs to be fixed.

Michael Brown’s death could have also been prevented.  It’s crazy to me that in this day and age that we have not come up with a better way and that it seems like there is a news story everyday where an African-American teenage boy is killed in cold blood.  I can’t help but ponder how last nights events would have been different if the cop that killed Michael was African-American and if he was caucasian.   I think there would have been an indictment and more outrage over Michael’s death.

Some friends of mine on Facebook have commented that it’s ridiculous that the citizens of Ferguson are destroying store fronts and resorting to violence in the wake of last nights news.   I see this as their way of coping.   They don’t feel heard.  In reality most of us know that looting and getting into fights are not the answer to the injustice of Michael Brown’s death, but in our emotion mind we forget this.   I believe that Ferguson feels like the only way to get attention brought to this situation is to do it in a big way.  What bigger way than to set the city ablaze? After all the justice system has already failed them.

In a way,  David and Michael’s deaths reinforce the reason why I keep relationships at a distance.   As a lesbian, I have to make a conscious decision whether I want to have children or not.   My wife and I have decided we are better aunts than mothers.   For me, I don’t think I could handle the loss of a child.   It’s enough that I’ve allowed myself to be in a relationship with my wife, that I’ve made myself vulnerable in that way terrifies me.   I often find myself in a tug a war in relationships.  I pull people close and then push them away- even Leah.  It starts to feel dangerous if I depend too much on any one person.  I’ve learned how to cope with loss by almost eliminating the possibility completely.  My friends and therapist tell me that being vulnerable and connection make life worth living, but at this point I am not convinced.

I am a woman of privilege- I’m white, middle class, educated, and insured and it’s been difficult to find a psychiatrist who gives a shit and a therapist who I can actually talk to.  The amount of money I have spent on my health since February is atrocious.  I was and am lucky that I was in the financial position where I can spend $85 a week on copays for therapy and my DBT class.  That’s not counting PCP, gastro, or psychiatry appointments. I can’t imagine where I would be right now had I not had these privileges.

My friend is left to cope with the death of her son and try to continue on with her life.  In a way, all the best we all can do is learn how to cope with what life throws our way.   The key word is “learn.”  Some of us do not develop the proper coping skills as children because we are focusing on survival and as adults we have to learn ways of coping that are healthy and won’t result in an untimely death.

I’m tired of the bullshit.  I’m tired of how we shy away from certain people because they seem unhinged or how we ask someone how they are, but we don’t care and don’t want a real answer.  I’m tired of pleasantries.  I’m also tired of reading news stories about police brutality against those who are in marginalized groups.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/24/ferguson-ruling-civil-unrest_n_6215654.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-a-powell/response-to-ferguson-syst_b_6218332.html

by krubesch

Detachment

photo (6)

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”
― Brené Brown

Many of you might think that the gender roles are easy to determine in my marriage, but just when you think you might have us figured out we swap places.  Leah does remove bugs from our house, but I mow the lawn.  We both cook- I cook a little bit more.  We both take pride in a clean house and in decorating.  I comfort Leah when she cries, which is often and I also mend our clothes with my minimal sewing knowledge. I fix the dishwasher and Leah plants our garden.  I show people I care by my actions and Leah uses her words. Leah is sensitive and I’m more shut off, which is why I thought “zoning out” and not really having a wide range of emotions made me a more dude like woman.   I thought that I just fit that male stereo type, but apparently it’s called dissociation.

“Dissociation is a phenomenon most people have the capacity to experience.  It is a coping mechanism used to manage stressors as minor as over-stimulation or as severe as sexual abuse.  As a way of coping, dissociation occurs when the brain compartmentalizes traumatic experiences to keep people from feeling too much pain, be it physical, emotional, or both.  When dissociation occurs, you experience a detachment from reality, like ‘spacing out.’  Part of you just isn’t ‘there in the moment.’” http://trauma.blog.yorku.ca/2013/04/the-fragmented-child-disorganized-attachment-and-dissociation/

I’ve been numbing my feelings and zoning out as long as I can remember.  It’s pretty crazy to me that I didn’t know that I dissociate until age 32.  I have counted ceiling tiles, organ pipes, stained glass windows and hats at church as long as I can remember.  Even on the rare occasion I am at church now, I find myself doing the same thing.  Leah will often ask me what I’m thinking and I honestly don’t have an answer for her on many occasions.  We will also have entire conversations that I don’t remember even though I’ve acted like I was listening and given answers where appropriate at the time.

My feelings happen in extremes. I know I’m mad when steam is about to come out my ears, I realize I’m stressed and overwhelmed once I feel tears threatening to fall down my face, and I know I’m depressed when I contemplate the pros and cons of ending my life.  I know I’m sad when I feel that hollow pain in my stomach and all I want to do is cry or sleep.

This is why I feel like I have become slightly narcissistic.  My blog is pretty much all about my thoughts and experiences due to the simple fact that I am experiencing and noticing parts of myself for the first time.  I’m slowly able to notice when my emotions are not overwhelming which is nice, but also uncomfortable.  By noticing a wider range of emotions I am able to feel content, happy, and relaxed.  Along with these feelings come boredom, indifference, and slight sadness. It’s the boredom and slight sadness that are the hardest for me to experience.  I know how to handle myself when I’m in the depths of despair.  I’m really good at that, but just sitting with a twinge of sadness is really hard.  I found myself getting mad at myself because I “shouldn’t” be sad at that particular moment.  I’ve found that “should” is a dangerous word.  “Should” has dictated my entire life and it’s really annoying how much I am catching myself using it.

I can’t help but to think about my childhood more as I am becoming aware of the ways I learned how to protect myself as a child.  On some level I think that I’ve always had an attraction towards women.  I’ve always looked up to role models in my life who were women.  I thought I wanted to be Gwen Stefani, but in reality I wanted to date her.  It would have been problematic for me to have figured I was gay at an earlier age, so I am thankful that I protected myself from that information. It’s amazing how the brain works.  How it knows when the rest of the body is able and ready to deal with memories and thoughts that it had hidden away.  My therapist told me early on that I still have these issues to work out because I was not ready until now.  These issues did not present themselves because my brain knew that I was not ready.  That’s intense.

I’m an analytical person so I tend to beat a dead horse into the ground.  I research things that are going on with me such as side effects to certain medications, information about any ailments, diagnoses,or issues that I’m having.  I guess that’s the way I process and start to understand things.  I’ve had to work very hard in school and developed a great if not excessive work ethic, so it’s foreign to me just to accept things as they are.  Part of me wants to determine the aspects of my personality that I have because I was abused and what is just me.  Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to find the answer, but I need to learn to accept myself simply for who I am.

Feelings Image taken from pegitboard.com